Help! My Son Is Doing Something Very Unconventional in His Marriage. His Dad Is Furious.

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Dear Prudence,

My youngest son, “Ken,” is getting married to a lovely woman, “Marie,” in the spring and I am thrilled for him. The problem is with my husband.

Marie comes from a family with only girls (she has three sisters; her uncle has two girls), and her dad and her grandfather were rather depressed about their family name not being carried on (and yes, I know how dumb that is!). Ken decided that he would take Marie’s last name to honor her family’s legacy. Marie’s dad and grandfather are elated. My husband is not. I’ve tried explaining to him that this is Ken’s choice, plus we have two other sons who do carry our last name, but he’s still whining about it and is even derisively referring to Ken as “Mr. [Fiancée’s Last Name].”  What can I do to get him to shut his trap and be happy for our son?

—A Rose By Any Other Name Is Still the Same

Dear Rose By Any Other Name Is Still the Same,

Try this script: “I know this came as a surprise to you and has been hard to accept, but hear me out: You care about Ken having your last name because he’s your son and you value your connection to him, and the name feels like a symbol of that. But please understand that by being an asshole to him and Marie over this, you are actively chipping away at the relationship and could easily cause them to pull away. The name decision has been made. At this point, your choices are being close to Ken [Fiancée’s Last Name] or pushing him away with your mockery and judgment, and you should choose wisely.”

Dear Prudence,

I am in a dispute with my husband over Halloween candy. Namely, I want to have two options: kinds that any kid can eat, and some special ones for kids who can’t have peanuts and those who are diabetic. My sister is deathly allergic to peanuts, which made Halloween a stressful time when we were growing up because she had to be so careful, so I understand what kids who have those issues go through. My husband thinks we should just get variety bags and be done with it rather than go through the “hassle.” I don’t see what’s so wrong with being considerate of kids who have dietary restrictions and making their holiday a little safer and easier. Thoughts?

—Something For Everyone

Dear Something for Everyone,

How have you two made it this far as a couple? I once heard a person whose parents had a really long marriage say their secret was to “Make big things small things and small things nothing.” I don’t know if that approach is right for everyone, but it’s clear that your husband is doing the complete opposite: making tiny things that shouldn’t even be problems into pointless conflict. Obviously, you’re right. So I hope for your sake that dying on the hill of refusing to do (or let you do) something easy and thoughtful isn’t a recurring theme for him.

Buy the three bags of candy and put them in three separate bowls. When your husband complains about how that was a hassle, say, “It actually wasn’t.”

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Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear Prudence,

My wife is a serial procrastinator, and this frequently results in us being late for many appointments and events. The next time this happens, do I have permission to leave without her?

—Preferably Punctual

Dear Preferably Punctual,

I just want to make sure you’re aware that if I give you permission to leave and you do it, and then your wife is hurt or angry, I don’t actually have the power to repair your marriage. So, sure, you can leave without her. But ask yourself whether you want to be in a relationship in which everyone does what they’re entitled to do, instead of what makes you both a functioning couple.

I would say something similar to your wife, encouraging her to consider your wants and needs in addition to her interest in getting in the shower three minutes before you’re supposed to be in the car. I’d ask her if she had thought at all about how it affects you when she makes you late. It seems you’re both forgetting that you’re not just two individuals living together, each advancing their own interests. Not to sound like a poster in an elementary school classroom, but you’re supposed to be working together, respecting each other, being kind, and trying your best to get along.

So talk to her. Note that I didn’t say threaten, I said talk. Because while your position (we shouldn’t be late for all of our appointments and events) is the correct one, it won’t be helpful to bring “I’m right and you’re wrong” energy to the conversation. You don’t need to call her a “serial procrastinator” either. Just focus on the facts and the impact her actions have on you.

Try this: “It’s really hard for me when we don’t leave on time for things and end up being late. I get anxious, stressed, and embarrassed, and I don’t like being rude to the people who are waiting for us. I don’t want to feel like this every time we go somewhere, and I don’t want to get upset and end up being a jerk to you and ruining the outing in a different way. What do you think we should do?”

The two of you might decide that it’s OK to be late to some events and really important to be on time for others. You could ask for and get permission to fib to her about start times to keep things moving. Maybe you’ll even come to the conclusion that if something is really important to you and she’s still in a towel at departure time, you will take off first and she’ll follow later. It’s not a bad idea—but it will feel much better as the solution you two have agreed on than it would as the dramatic thing you did because you felt you had permission to.

Classic Prudie

I have been with my husband for five years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage who is now 10 and a 4-year-old daughter with my husband. Every year, his parents and other extended family acknowledge my younger daughter’s birthday. Last year on her birthday, when an aunt asked for our address so that she could send money, I requested that she not send anything because our children are noticing and it causes hurt feelings.