We Have a Decades-Long Tradition With Another Couple. But It’s Taken an Uncomfortable Turn.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

We have long-time friends whom we visit about once a year. They come and visit us about once a year, too. We live about seven hours apart.

Both our houses have a home office that doubles as a guest room. We furnished ours with a desk and chair, an empty chest of drawers, an end table, and a queen-sized fold-out couch. It has a closet and a full bathroom attached. Their guest room also has a desk with a chair, a dresser, an end table, and a double bed. There is no closet, and the full bathroom is down the hallway.

However, over the years, they have been placing various-sized storage boxes along the walls and floor. Now, it is to the point where it is a walking hazard to reach the bed. There are no empty drawers. There is no room for our tote bags or toiletries, except to place them on top of the bed or on top of other box towers. It isn’t dirty, just very cluttered. They have stairs that lead to an attic and have an oversized garage for even more storage. I have offered to help them move boxes to the storage areas of their home. They decline my offer of assistance.

After our last visit, my spouse declared on our drive home that they are not going to stay there again until the boxes have been cleared out. I am extremely uncomfortable telling someone what to do in their own home. During recent telephone calls, they have been asking when we are returning for our next visit. I answer with a vague, “Oh, we’re going over our calendar and will let you know.” I can only stall for so long. Our visit tradition has been going on for decades. I know it would hurt them if we broke it.

—Between a Box and …. Another Box

Dear Between a Box,

My hope is that a friendship this long and meaningful would be able to withstand some honesty. I’d love for you to be able to say to your friend, “Dan was kind of losing his mind about not having anywhere to put our stuff in your guest room, and honestly, the boxes were making me feel a little bit like I was sleeping in a storage shed! You know I love you, and I’m not trying to stress you out or make you move stuff—we just need a little more room. So we’re going to get a hotel next time, and we can all spend a day at the pool!” Even something less direct, like, “We can’t wait to see you! We’re feeling like we need more space to spread out with all our stuff, so we’ll get a hotel next time. But aside from sleeping, we’ll still spend all our time with you and keep the tradition up!” still tells the truth, is perfectly pleasant, and stops short of telling your friends what to do in their own home.

You mention only not wanting to hurt their feelings, not any concern about the price of a hotel. But if paying for accommodations isn’t an option, you may need to be a little more explicit (while leaning in the “It’s not you, it’s me” direction if you feel you need to as a means of preserving the friendship) by saying something like, “We had so much fun last time but these days we have so many toiletries and medications/Dan has a CPAP machine/I have a hard time traveling light/we get on each other’s nerves when we have to negotiate a shared space and we were struggling with not having anywhere to put stuff down in the guest room and navigating around boxes. You know I’m neurotic/not a light packer/messy/prone to tripping over stuff. I’d never want to ask you to change anything to accommodate us, but could we just do an additional visit at our place instead to make things easier? Of course, let me know if there’s anything you need to feel more at home, and I’ll do it! Anything to see you two…”

Classic Prudie

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