Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I am my parents’ only child and only geographically-nearby relative. They’re healthy, but past 70. They’ve aired the idea of adding my name to their bank account in case of medical emergency or caretaking needs, but there’s a problem.
Fifteen years ago, for gender reasons, I legally changed my name. I never told them this, even though they’re theoretically OK with transness, because I didn’t want to deal with endless lectures about how I could just be gender-non-conforming and how transition is so drastic. I passed off top surgery as a “reduction for back pain.”
All my IDs are in my new name, and I dread showing ID to be added to their account and the new name being on their bank statements. I do have a bank account at their bank that I’ve never updated the name on; can I use my debit card as ID? Is there some plausible reason to refuse being added to their account? I’m well enough off to handle their emergencies with my own money, and it would be worth a few thousand bucks to me not to have this conversation.
—Caretaker “Daughter”
Dear Caretaker,
Even if your parents are “theoretically OK” with who you are, it is completely sensible that you want to avoid this conversation. Having someone question your identity can feel like a threat to your very existence.
That said, the practical considerations are real, and it might be worth making an appointment with an LGBTQ-supportive Financial Advisor to figure out some workarounds. It’s unlikely that a debit card will work as your ID if your parents want to add you as a joint holder on their account. Banks usually need government-issued identification, and if your legal name is different, it will appear in the bank’s records and may appear on statements, and your parents will probably ask you about it. If they’re worried about you taking over the finances or helping to pay for caretaking needs, there may be other options, like a power of attorney, for instance, but the same issue about the legal name versus birth name might come up again.
The point is, it’s very possible that the name question will come up eventually, whether it’s medical forms, legal documents, powers of attorney, hospital check‑ins, and so on. Someone who specializes in these issues will be able to guide you on navigating the system or, if it comes down to it, navigating the conversation itself. To start you in the right direction, the Human Rights Campaign has an LGBTQ+ Financial Wellness Platform, the National LGBTQ+ & Allied Chamber of Commerce has affiliates in many states, and you can filter your search for a CFP to those specializing in LGBTQ+ individuals and couples.
—Kristin
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