I’m Moving in With My Boyfriend. I’m So Wary of Messing Things Up With His “Roommate.”

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a woman in my late 20s who has recently become more serious with a man in his late 30s. I’m about to move in. But one thing is really scaring me.

He has full custody of his 15-year-old daughter. What can I do to be a happy addition to their lives? I was an unhappy and rebellious teenager, and I can’t begin to imagine how poorly I would’ve dealt with my dad’s girlfriend coming to stay, so I feel as if my own experiences as a teen are not very useful.

Fortunately, I really enjoy his daughter’s company, and I think she feels the same way about me. She is kind, cool, and smart. I want to make sure that I contribute to a positive environment and don’t overstep any boundaries, and that I am going into this situation fortified with some sage advice. Please help!

—Not Baroness Elsa

Dear NBA,

You’re already doing so well! I don’t think you need any advice! Do you have any for me?

I think you and your partner and his daughter should sit down at a nice restaurant, the kind adults eat at and children usually do not, and talk as mainly equals about how their household currently runs, what will change as a result of you moving in, and how best to bring it up when things get a bit off-course. That may mean setting a standard check-in once every week or two, just to say “We should buy more bananas because now we’re going through bananas more quickly” or “It’s fine if you borrow my sweaters—just ask first,” etc.

The simple fact that you are asking me how to make this transition as easy and pleasant for your partner’s daughter as possible suggests you are going to do splendidly.

Also, the Baroness had some points.

—Nicole Cliffe

From: My Daughter’s Dance Teacher Is Selling Costumes at a 100 Percent Markup. (December 9th, 2019).

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife is pregnant with our first kid and has obviously stopped drinking. She has asked me to stop drinking for the duration of her pregnancy out of solidarity with her. We used to do a lot of craft beer tastings, and I would characterize us as moderate drinkers.

Well, it’s been three months, and I want to start drinking again. I don’t see any actual harm in doing it behind her back, if I’m discreet. Is this forgivable or shitty?

—I Just Miss Beer (and Scotch)

Dear IJMBaS,

Things can be both shitty and forgivable, for the record.

Drinking behind her back is an asshole move. You’re about to have a child, so let’s not kick it off with an elaborate plan of deception. If I were you, I would decide that my wife’s various pains and sufferings during this time period (culminating with labor) make it reasonable enough to ask you to share one small, small part of it with her, to make her feel like you’re a team. She misses craft beer tastings too!

So that’s what you should do. If you don’t want to do that, then I want you to say to her: “I really admire and appreciate everything you’re going through to have this baby, but I really miss the odd craft beer. Would it be OK if I drank a little when you’re not around? I don’t want to do it in front of you.”

Also, if you have genuinely found it difficult to stop drinking, maybe explore that a little. I am not suggesting you are a problem drinker, but it might be worth sitting with and thinking about why you’ve found it so challenging.

—N.C.

From: I Told My Wife I Wouldn’t Drink During Her Pregnancy. Can I Drink Behind Her Back?(September 27th, 2019).

Dear Care and Feeding,

Thank you so much for your column. I think I am at the point where I need some help. My husband and I have twin 3-year-old boys and we are having a really hard time. We both work full time and our life is just busy. But a few months ago, my husband started saying things like “I am having a hard time with the boys, they just scream at me all the time” and “I dread when you come home with them because it’s constant yelling.” I think my husband has some sensory processing issues so the yelling really gets to him. From what he says, they yell at him from when they wake up to when they get dropped off at day care (while I am at work). He is at the end of his rope. So I have been trying to give him a break by basically taking both boys and leaving the house, going anywhere we can, but then I never get a break and get resentful that I he gets to hang out at home and watch TV in his pajamas, and then I feel guilty for being resentful because he is having a hard time.

I think there are two problems. How on earth do you get them to stop yelling and fighting? I have been trying consistent limits and short separations from play when they start yelling (and praise when we do use inside voices), but is this even right? I have no idea! The second problem is my husband’s expectations. Just last night, he was asking one boy “why did you yell in my ear?” over and over again like a trial attorney, and I feel like a 3-year-old doesn’t really have the cognitive ability to answer this. What are some reasonable expectations? Right now, I am just at my wit’s end with all three of them.

—I Can’t Do It All

Dear ICDIA,

There is so much going on here! When I first started reading your letter, I thought “yep, 3-year-old twins, two parents working, there’s going to be stress.” But your description of your husband’s relentless hounding of one of your sons makes me more inclined to think he’s causing a lot of these behaviors.

Do they yell constantly when they are with you? Stressing “indoor voices” and praising them for achieving such voices is indeed a good method, but you both need to be on the same page with it. So, yet again, I am packing you off to couples counseling. You clearly feel used, you resent the amount of free time your husband is getting while you “save” him from the twins, and he is not interacting in a healthy manner with the kids.

Yelling 3-year-olds are normal, if aggravating, and you can work on that in the course of normal parenting. Your husband, however, is not behaving as a father ought to, and that’s more important to fix than something as transient and expected as 3-year-olds acting like 3-year-olds.

If couples counseling is not an option (reticence on his part, cost), you’ll have to find time to sit down and hash this out one on one. Don’t spring it on him; make it clear that the twins are a lot right now and you want to be on the same page with them. You can empathize, but you need to achieve more fairness in how you divide child care, and you need to address the incident described at the end of your letter.

Keep me posted.

—N.C.

From: My 5-Year-Old’s Teacher Assigns Two Hours of Homework a Night. (November 11th, 2019).

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My wife, “Minerva,” and I have a 6-year-old son, “Blaine.” When Blaine was just under 1, Minerva and I began to have issues getting along. I started an affair with “Wendy,” Minerva’s sister. Less than a year into the affair, Wendy ended up pregnant and had a son, “Cameron.” She told everyone she conceived through a sperm donor.