That’s not what I’ve witnessed!
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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 40-year-old uncle to my 12-year-old nephew, “Matt.” I live a couple of hours away but see him often, and we’re close. He’s a smart, funny, terrific little dude whom I enjoy spending time with.
Last weekend, I was at a family friend’s birthday party. Matt and his parents were there too. I was chatting with my sister, “Clarissa,” about how it feels to be a parent (I’m childfree), and in the course of the conversation, she mentioned that her family does not keep secrets from one another. But I know that’s not true!
I’ve long been the primary secret-keeper for Matt! The secrets are always age-appropriate (when he was 5, he accidentally killed a ladybug and felt awful about it; more recently, he confided in me that he has started liking girls—that sort of thing). When he says, “Don’t tell Mom, please,” I take that seriously. Kids deserve privacy; what he’s “confessing” isn’t anything worrisome, and of course I’d tell my sister if it ever was serious.
But I do have to mention this: My sister, while politically progressive, is a pretty conservative parent. She and her husband (whom I’m also close to! He was my best man!) run a pretty tight ship at home. Matt is cherished, but he’s also expected to toe the line.
What are my obligations here? Now that my sister has so confidently asserted that there is a no-secrets policy in their home, do I tell her the truth? If I do, then I’m betraying Matt’s trust. If I don’t, I’m letting Clarissa continue to believe something untrue about her family—and now that she’s told me this, staying silent means I’m complicit in her delusion … and makes me a liar.
—Trusted Uncle
Dear Trusted Uncle,
I’m sure this is an uncomfortable situation for you—that is, I don’t doubt that you feel somewhat conflicted. But I also can’t help wondering if you might be itching to knock your sister down a peg (presumably, for reasons that have nothing much to do with the issue at hand—though there is something sanctimonious about making the sort of announcement she did), and if your conflict is more about wanting to do that versus not wanting to betray your nephew’s trust (and harm your relationship with him).
If I were you, I’d keep my own counsel. The kinds of things Matt has been “confessing” seem to be quite harmless—nothing that puts him in danger, nothing that requires you to dutifully report back to his parents. As long as you’re aware where that line is, perhaps you can tell yourself these are not really “secrets” but instead only private conversations. Clarissa might not see it that way, but as it seems that Matt needs someone he can talk to honestly about the ordinary, everyday business of being alive and having feelings, and his parents may not encourage that (tight ships are not necessarily the friendliest, most open of ships), I don’t think you’re doing anyone any harm by allowing the child to continue to trust you. And I don’t think telling Clarissa she’s living a lie would be productive in the least.
—Michelle
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