As a Brit who recently moved to Australia, I’ve been concerned about whether I can maintain successful long-distance friendships—particularly given my closest friend still lives in the UK. After all, research has shown that if you go two months without an in-person catch up with a friend, you’ll have a 30% drop in closeness. After five months, that number increases to 80%.
I can attest to these stats in part. Some friends who I thought would be “ride or dies,” haven’t dropped me a message in months (or admittedly, I them). A couple I thought would always be there were nowhere to be seen when I last visited home. A newer friend in Australia was confident our time apart during this same period wouldn’t rock us—as was I—but things didn’t pan out that way.
“Long-distance friendship can be hard because proximity is one of the things that creates connection,” psychologist Marisa G. Franco, PhD, author of Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, tells SELF. “There can be lots of obstacles,” she continues, noting that a lack of active effort and not being open to connecting digitally can contribute to figurative and literal distance.
Maintaining closeness and connection with a friend who lives on the other side of the world is challenging—but also still very much possible. Case in point: my closest friend, Humeara, who still lives in London while I am here in Melbourne.
Humeara and I have been friends for around four years, but we only became very close (i.e. “best friend” tier) in the past 18 months. We love to go to work events together (she’s a journalist too), head out for walks with her dog, and laze on the sofa watching Married At First Sight (the Australian version, always) when we’re both in London. We feel comfortable being in silence together, and as we’re both extroverted introverts, are happy to use our mutually agreed code word—“non-verbal time?”–should we need. She is kind, brave, hilariously funny, has solid morals, and accepts me for who I am (anxiety spirals and all).
It goes without saying, then, that being apart is difficult—for both of us. We agree that not being able to pop over to see each other or pick up the phone due to the hefty time difference is one of the biggest challenges. It’s especially hard when your person isn’t there during the hard times. But mostly, it’s the little things we both miss, like grabbing a coffee and having a moan about things.
However, we both agree that being so far away has only increased the appreciation we have for each other. It has clarified how much effort and energy we are willing to dedicate to this friendship, and that makes it feel even stronger and more meaningful.
Through this experience, I’ve learned a lot about how to maintain healthy friendships, even when distance is involved. Here, I share my top tips, along with the help of some smart experts.
1. Have a strategy.
According to Danielle Bayard Jackson, director of the Women’s Relational Health Institute and author of Fighting for our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships, one of the biggest mistakes those in long-distance friendships can make is that they “believe their closeness is enough.” Pairs who have a strong base made up of mutual affection and history together may believe they don’t need to put practical steps in place. “The idea of having to strategize or coordinate feels like work.”
However, even the most loving friendship in the world likely won’t survive unless there is a plan in place about how closeness will be maintained. “To keep a long-distance friendship alive you really do need that effort and intention,” says Dr. Franco, who notes that there’s no shame in prioritizing it similar to the way you might a long-distance romantic partner.
Bayard Jackson recommends establishing a “friendship routine.” This could look like putting a long video call in the diary once or twice a month (and always showing up), or if you’re close enough, visiting when you can. While Humeara and I are too far away to pop by and visit right now, we make sure to prioritize regular video calls and often speak daily via texts or voice notes (and plenty of meme DMing).
2. Figure out the best mode of communication.
It’s important to determine the most effective form of communication for both people. Dr. Franco says that it’s worth asking your friend explicitly: “How do you feel valued when we are far away?” This could be FaceTiming, voice noting, texting or even emailing and/or letter writing. “If you engage in a medium they like, they’re more likely to respond and keep in touch,” she explains.
3. Don’t forget about spontaneity.
While I’m all for scheduling in those all-important video call catch-ups, Humeara and I also navigate our long-distance friendship with a hint of spontaneity. When we lived in the same country, we’d often pick up the phone for a quick 10-minute rant about something, or to check in on the other person if we hadn’t heard from them. While that’s often not possible here (there’s a significant time difference), we know we’re both awake at certain points in the morning and at nighttime, so from time-to-time, will surprise the other with a call. This helps to sustain the fun and joy within the friendship, and also lets the other person know they are considered and valued.
4. Enjoy shared experiences
As mentioned, Humeara and I often enjoy the same TV shows, and love to check in on each other’s progress while watching. She actually recommended Heated Rivalry to me, which kept us closely in touch over a series of days when we were both bingeing the series.
Other examples include trying a podcast series that’s just dropped; listening to each episode and checking in once you’ve both finished can be a fun way to keep in touch. “These things not only keep us connected in terms of creating a rhythm in our interactions, they also can help us to feel close as we’re having the shared experience together,” Bayard Jackson notes.
Books are another great bonding experience—although my plight to get Humeara as addicted as I am to the romantasy genre is still ongoing.
5. Allow for grace and patience (but don’t avoid conflict)
One of the best things about our friendship is that we’re safe and secure enough to discuss issues in a way that makes us feel heard and seen, but that doesn’t lead to any major fallout. If either of us is upset or frustrated at the other’s actions or words, we raise it, check in (ideally over the phone or IRL when close by), briefly discuss and validate how we’re both feeling, take accountability, apologize if necessary—and then move on.
This is something that’s continued after I moved away—and it speaks to an important rule: Don’t avoid conflict or let anything fester. “Don’t take an “out of sight out of mind” approach,” says Dr. Franco. “Research shows that people that address conflict have much more intimacy in their friendships.”
That said, Humeara credits our long-distance success in part to the grace and patience we have for one another. Her advice? “Always assume with good intentions,” she says. “If someone hasn’t texted in a while, check in but don’t be accusatory and try not to be instantly upset. We all have our own busy lives and we’re only human—sometimes we forget to text, and that’s okay.”
Admittedly, I have an anxious attachment style, but in a relationship or friendship where I genuinely feel safe like this one, I don’t take any perceived distance personally. I also know that if I’m worried, I can safely broach the topic without fear of judgement or conflict.
While long-distance friendships are certainly challenging—particularly if you live on opposite sides of the globe, But sometimes you meet people in life who are worth going the extra mile for, and that means making long-distance work for a while. I like to think Humeara and I are proof of that.
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