Help! I Have a “Hug Buddy” at Work. My Husband Would Never Approve.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.

Dear Prudence,

I have been mostly happily married for 13 years. My husband and I get along really well, and I love him very much. That being said, he is not the most affectionate person anymore. We used to cuddle a lot when we were first married and I have told him how much I miss it. He says he doesn’t enjoy it because it’s too hot. He’ll make an effort to snuggle while watching TV sometimes if I ask, but I can tell while we’re doing it that he is counting the minutes until he can stop.

About a month ago, I was having a very bad day at work and a male co-worker/friend told me I looked like I could use a hug. Prudie, I did need a hug and he gave me one and I started crying because I couldn’t remember the last time I had received nonsexual affection from someone without begging. My co-worker asked why I was crying and when I told him he said he loved his wife very much, but she wasn’t affectionate either and he knew exactly how I was feeling. Since that day we’ve been meeting in his or my office after work a couple of times a week to hug each other. And that’s all we do—there is no groping or kissing or even talking going on, we just hold each other for five to 10 minutes and then we go home. I like having a hug buddy and I’ve found my relationship with my husband is actually getting stronger because I am not so needy for affection from him. Of course, I have not told him about hugging my co-worker and I’m sure if I did he’d be upset, but I don’t feel like what I’m doing is cheating. Is it?

—Is This Cheating?

Dear Cheating,

Ah, Hug Buddies! Forget whether this is cheating, I see the possibility for a fantastic franchise opportunity ahead. Unless you are married to someone who is insanely jealous over totally normal interactions with members of the opposite sex, a good rule of thumb about cheating is that if you wonder about the propriety of what you’re doing, and if you know your spouse would object, then you’ve entered dangerous territory. Additionally, your after-hours body contact at the office may be therapeutic for the two of you, but you have the makings of a Feydeau-esque farce when someone walks in to discuss the quarterly sales figures. Of course, if you decide to take the hugs off-premises, you know it won’t be long before you realize neither of you get kissed very often by your spouses, and you’ll add that to the repertoire. Then it will be a short trip to horizontal affection and you two can be buddies of a more vernacular sort. The fact that you have found such release and comfort from your colleague’s hug tells you what a trough your marriage has fallen into. Your husband’s excuse for not touching you is that it’s too hot. Unless you live in a tropical climate and the air conditioner is broken, this explanation is absurd. You don’t need to tell your husband about your hug buddy, although I think you need to let go of said buddy. You need to address something that’s become a crisis in your marriage. Tell your husband you are withering from a lack of affection. It would be one thing if you married someone who couldn’t stand touching you, but when you got together there was plenty of nonsexual touching. Say that if he won’t go to a counselor with you, you’ll go alone, because while you love him very much, you feel he’s set you adrift.

—Emily Yoffe

From: Embraceable Me. (June 4, 2013).

Dear Prudence,

I am currently in marriage counseling with my wife after she discovered my three-year-long relationship with another woman. After a lot of soul-searching, I truly want to make the marriage work and ended my affair with “Sandy” for good. The problem we have is Sandy’s son, “John.” Sandy has been a single mother most of her life and I am the only father figure he’s known. John and I developed a bond over the years and I feel as though it would be cruel to cut him out of my life because I am no longer in a relationship with his mother. My wife is adamant that she won’t stay in the marriage if I maintain any ties with either John or Sandy. I feel disappointed in her for not having the compassion to see John is the innocent victim here who needs my ongoing support. I’ve previously promised John I would always be a part of his life and I don’t want to go back on that. Shouldn’t my wife be more understanding of a child’s needs?

—Former Mistress’ Son

Dear Former,

I wonder if you and Sandy thought about how cruel it was to John to lead him to think that all of you were a happy (if strangely occasional) family during the years you were illicitly getting together. So now John is collateral damage. Here’s a rule for cheating: Have sex with your lover, and leave the kids out of it. Instead, Sandy allowed you to be a surrogate father for her son, all the while surely thinking your emotional tie to him would draw you closer to her. You apparently were unable to imagine the likely scenario that your wife would stumble on your secret, and so promised John you would always care for him. Poor John that two such deluded people are his mother and “father.”

Now you say your wife is the villain in this drama because her terms for continuing the marriage include severing all relations with Sandy and her son. You say your wife has no compassion for the boy, so I’ll take your word that she hasn’t expressed sorrow for him and doesn’t seem to care that your disappearance will be a devastating blow. You need to understand that upon discovering the depths of your perfidy, your wife understandably is not feeling that expansive toward Sandy and her child. You don’t mention whether you have children of your own, but if you do, even if they’re grown, she may be more concerned about her own family. But you’re in counseling, and these kinds of dilemmas are what this forum is for. You may have done a lot of soul-searching and realized you would prefer to stay with your wife. But if her terms for repairing your marriage are unacceptable to you, then you’ve got a serious dilemma. I can see both your and her points of view here, and no matter what happens John gets hurt. You seem naive in the extreme if you are planning to have a continuing relationship with John and none with Sandy. But you need to explore in therapy how you do the least damage to John, who is a wholly innocent party. If your wife says any contact at all would end your marriage, then you have to figure out if disappearing forever from John’s life is a condition you’re not willing to meet.

—E. Y.

From: I Will Be Your Father Figure. (Nov. 11, 2013).

Dear Prudence,

Lately my boyfriend has taken to texting and calling my best friend for advice about me when we get in arguments. I know there is nothing suspicious going on, and their conversations are mostly brief, but I can’t help but be hurt by the idea of them talking about me in such a context. I love both of them but am jealous that he feels so comfortable talking to her when we have so many communication issues ourselves. We have a son together and lots of financial stressors, so communicating is not always easy.

I’m especially upset because now the person that I vent to is coming back at me with her own opinion, when it used to be nice to just have someone who’d listen. I told my boyfriend how I felt and he took it badly, saying that he had no one else to talk to who understands me. He basically threw his hands up and said, “Fine! I’ll keep everything inside then. I won’t talk to her since it’s obviously a problem.” This just made me feel worse. I’m happy that my boyfriend and best friend get along so well, but I wish he’d find his own friends to talk to. Am I right or should I just be grateful that he is seeking out advice about how to better our relationship?

—Jealous of Boyfriend and Best Friend

Dear Jealous,

You need a couple of professionals in your life. First a gynecologist who can get you on a very reliable form of birth control, because you don’t want to be bringing any more children into such a volatile situation. Next, you need short-term couple’s counseling. I know you’ve got financial stress, but I’m hoping one of you has insurance that might cover say four sessions with a counselor. Someone with a master’s in social work often charges less than a psychologist and can be just as helpful. Think of it as investment in your future together as a family. You two need ways to talk things out together and to respect each other’s boundaries. I agree he is violating yours and playing with some pretty volatile substances here. You also need to tell your friend that for the sake of your friendship she needs to stop being referee for your relationship because it’s hurting everyone’s trust.

—E. Y.

From: Parent Trap. (July 23, 2013).

Classic Prudie

My husband is the best, except for a few small things. Whenever I ask him to do something for me, he responds with a heavy sigh or roll of the eyes as if he is extremely put-out, before he agrees to do it. I swear I am not being unreasonable in my requests, although I have needed more help than usual lately since I’ve been sick a lot with my pregnancy. He tells me that I should just ignore it, because he does generally do the favor for me, and he doesn’t always mind as much as he looks like he minds. But I can’t help the fact that it gets to me sometimes—I wish he would just do these things without making me feel like a nag all the time. But I don’t want to police his facial expressions either. Any advice?