I Was Home Alone When I Heard a Strange Noise. That’s When I Discovered What My Ex Let Our Son Do.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a divorced mother with one 9-year-old son, “Simon.” My ex and I share custody equally, and generally get along well.

Also conveniently, he lives two blocks down from where I do, so when it comes time to switch off who has Simon, it’s a simple 5-minute walk. I’m writing this on a Sunday, and Simon was with my ex; I was expecting him to hand our son off after dinner like we usually do. So I was sleeping in a bit and just taking it easy when I heard the door open, followed by footsteps. I was a bit panicked and went to see what it was, only to find out it was Simon. He had finished his chores and his homework, and wanted to work on this diorama he’d been building of an old-timey western town. He had left it here, so he just up and went over to get it.

Normally, when he goes between houses, it’s with one of us accompanying him. This is the first time he’s just made the trip on his own, and apparently, with my ex’s full approval. I don’t know if this is a problem or not; what if something had gone wrong while he was unattended? I’m not even talking crime; he has to cross a couple of streets to get between our homes.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here? Or should I bring this up with my ex? And if so, what should I say? If not, how do I overcome my anxieties here?

—Unpleasant Surprise

Dear Unpleasant Surprise,

I totally understand your concern. There was a time when 9-year-olds could and would walk themselves short distances without supervision. Unfortunately, that’s not as common an experience today, unless in certain circumstances. Also, your concerns about traffic and cars are very fair. Kids generally shouldn’t walk alone before the age of 10, according to recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics, as they often don’t have “the cognitive, perceptual, and behavioral abilities to negotiate traffic independently.” So, yes, I suggest having a conversation about this with Simon’s dad.

But, because Simon is 9 and is seemingly on his way to becoming independent, you two can begin preparing him for walking between your homes. You and your ex should make a plan for things you’ll start to point out to Simon on your walks to and from each other’s houses. For example, is one intersection particularly tricky? Do cars tend to just slow down and not fully stop at a specific stop sign? Is it difficult to see cars coming around a certain bend? This way, you can gradually build his awareness of his surroundings.

Additionally, if Simon’s school is nearby, walking home from there might be a better first step. Schools often have crossing guards and other adult helpers in the block perimeters around the campus, and if other students who live nearby are walking home from school, you can arrange for them to travel in a group.

You can also watch him walk much shorter distances. For example, my friend’s son is 8, and his barber shop is two doors down from a coffee shop that a friend of ours owns. So it’s a familiar block. But as a first step toward having a little responsibility, she lets him walk down the block by himself from the coffee shop to his barber. And then, using a GPS watch, he alerts her once he’s arrived. He is building good habits and learning, while she’s just a stone’s throw away.

Simon can do it, too! Just take it slow. I’m confident you and your ex can find a compromise that is both safe for Simon and good for all of you.

—Arionne

More Advice From Slate

I was on the fence about having kids before our marriage. We figured out that with my chronic illness, I probably needed to take some time off to recharge every so often. That turned out to be correct and now, every 3-to-4 months, I take a week off and go to a friend’s cabin…