Recently, Reddit user clothing_wholesale asked, “If all men had to be brutally honest for 24 hours, what would women be shocked to learn?”, and as a woman, I can tell you that I was definitely shocked at some of these — and honestly, some of them really pissed me off. Read on to see what men had to say.
1.
“I’m not mansplaining because you’re a woman. This is how I treat everybody.”
“You should be more upset if I’m not sharing my knowledge on a topic, it probably means I don’t value telling you. And if you respond with something more in-depth and I go even more so, that’s not me trying to one-up you — I’m testing to see how far your knowledge goes and what level of conversation we can have. I crave expression!”
2.
“Just because I don’t express emotions as vividly as you do doesn’t mean I don’t have them.”
“Added to this: A lot of times, the more emotional she becomes, the more we have to control our emotions. We can’t both be upset and screaming at each other; it just escalates. It does not mean I’m not listening, nor that I don’t care, it’s just that one of us has to remain in a controlled setting.”
3.
“How much we look past and don’t comment on just to keep things peaceful.”
“I went overboard with this with my ex-wife. I forgave and forgot so much because her love was all I wanted. But no matter how much I gave, she just never loved me back.”
4.
“Your need to ‘vent’ without seeking solutions is exhausting, tedious, and unpleasant to be around. If you aren’t trying to fix your problem, keep it to yourself.”
“‘I just want you to listen, not try to solve everything’ is just you trauma dumping your emotional stress on us so you don’t have to actually have any stressful conflict to address your problems. That’s why there are such visceral reactions when it’s pointed out that your problems could often be fixed if you actually took action. You completely ignore the emotional damage done to us by being forced to sit by and just absorb all the hurt in the life of someone we love, without even being allowed to help. Think of a firefighter being made to watch a house with people inside burning down. He knows even if he can’t put the fire out all by himself, he can help rescue some of the people, making things at least better. But instead, he’s told he’s not there to fight the fire but just to watch — he’s just there to make someone feel better about the fire. No matter how much better that other person feels about the fire afterward, the trauma of not being able to help the people in the house stays with the firefighter.”
5.
“That we don’t like to feel pressured to have sex. Whilst many of us have a high libido, it doesn’t automatically mean that we are fuck machines ready to go at any moment. We might not be in the mental space, have body insecurities, or just be having a bad day.”
“Consent goes both ways, and it seems like a man cannot say ‘no’ to sex without causing conflict in the relationship. We are the same species, at the end of the day.”
6.
“Women say that men are bad listeners, it’s more like you overcommunicate about things we aren’t interested in, or can’t contribute to. I work on active listening because I know my partner cares about me acknowledging every conversation about her day. She doesn’t want me to fix her problems, just listen, so I do that now. It’s hard to do because it’s not eventful stuff, and she doesn’t want it resolved; I like to fix things and move on.”
“In my experience, women are actually bad listeners, not because they don’t hear what we say, but because they cannot intake our information as-is. Men speak directly; we mean exactly what we say. Every girl I have dated would constantly twist what I say and expand it 2-3x into other meanings, or project their insecurities. It is infuriating to tell the truth and constantly have it twisted into falsehoods or drama. Just listen to exactly what we said, and understand the most basic meaning.”
7.
“Women can be exhausting to be around. Everything is centered around them, what they are feeling at any given second, and their need to talk about it.”
“My wife tells me to be more open with my emotions. So I do, and then it makes her sad, and we have to talk about that! So what’s the point…”
8.
“We hate it when you mess with your face. If you’re 25, it’s okay to look 25. If you’re 37, it’s okay to look 37. If you’re 52, it’s okay to look 52. It’s okay to look your age. Please stop with the wild surgeries on your face; you are beautiful already.”
9.
Similarly…”Those long fake eyelashes? They are not sexy. No guy has ever thought, ‘She’d be hot if she had ridiculously stupidly long eyelashes.'”
“Same with ridiculously long nails and outrageously large BBLs. Oh, and the surgery that makes them look like aliens. Those things are just not appealing.”
11.
“We just want you to get to the fucking point in a conversation.”
“I like listening to your stories, but please be more direct and stop going on immense tangents about every single person’s personal life to the point where I forget what you were even trying to tell me about.”
“Holy mother of relatable. Also, please focus more on yourself in the stories! I want to hear about you and your day. You don’t need to give me so many details about complete strangers whom I will literally never see or even hear about again. Tell me that one job made you sad, not that the homeowning cousin is living abroad.”
12.
“How often men intentionally lose or back down to women in order to keep the peace and ultimately make her happy.”
13.
“Your ‘mental load’ is usually your own creation because of your own ego/anxiety.”
“Honestly, I tried to help my ex-wife’s mental load by taking on all the chores (already doing and earning more than half before that) and telling her to always let me know if she has something on her mind I can help with. I even said, ‘I know you have a mental load; let me take on everything and treat yourself okay?’ I brought her flowers randomly to cheer her up, everything.
Instead, the mental load never decreased. She started getting upset because she ran out of stuff to complain about and boss me against, and she started pretending not to know how to do basic things so she could deliberately keep instructing me.
After a few months of this and her attitude worsening, I started feeling unhappy about it. She noticed my unhappiness and started saying I was a shit husband.
The mental load is just a made-up excuse for them to have an escape route to hide behind accountability.”
“90% of the ‘mental load’ is just them being picky and making sure things are done their way. It’s not at all a requirement. ‘If I don’t do it, nothing gets done.’ No, if you don’t do it, it simply won’t get done your way, and you don’t like that, so you do it yourself.”
14.
“You’re not ‘performing emotional labor,’ you’re just having emotions about something. Now I have to deal with the actual problem AND deal with your emotions about the problem. And the actual problem is always less trouble to deal with.”
15.
“We often stay quiet about emotional pain because, far too often, it is turned into a weapon against us.”
“Nowadays, most women tell men they should be more vocal about their emotions and just open up to them. However, many of these same women are attracted to men with masculine qualities who they perceive to be mentally and emotionally strong. This subconscious attraction actually leads a good number of women to lose attraction for a man if he becomes too emotional around her, as she begins to realize he is not the guy she thought he was. Many men have had their hearts broken by a woman who lost interest after they began being too vulnerable around her.”
“We’re all struggling just the same as everyone else, but once your worth is based on transactional value, it pays to not open your mouth. I treat situations like this the same way I treat speaking to a police officer — assume everything you say can and will be used against you later. I’ve been married for 20 years, too.”
16.
Similarly…”The reason a man doesn’t ask anything from you is not because he doesn’t want anything. It’s because he knows that if he does, he will be shunned for it.”
17.
“Most women suck at dating and don’t put in nearly enough effort. Maybe it’s the same for guys. I’m not sure. But goddamn, the idea that women are good at relationships is bullshit, in my experience.”
18.
“[It’s frustrating] when we legit compliment you on something, and you don’t believe us.”
“‘Oh you’re just saying that.’ No…if I didn’t think it, I wouldn’t waste my energy saying it! There’s no rule that says I have to compliment you.”
19.
“Please just stop talking, and let me enjoy the game in peace. Please. For the love of God.”
“I would like to add this to the record: I would love to hear about your day. But like, can you not see that there are seven minutes left in the third period of a very important game???
Like, how can you not see that?? Does my intent stare at the TV and extremely engaged body language not mean anything to you?? When I told you seventeen times today that ‘tonight is a VERY important game, and I am going to watch it,’ did that not register? Do I look like I want to talk about cupcakes and curtain colors right now????
Like I’m either:
A) Totally at your disposal and very much ready to have a long conversation with you. Or… OR…
B) IT’S THE THIRD GODDAMN PERIOD AND I’M WATCHING THE GODDAMN GAME!!
Like. Omg.”
20.
“I don’t want alone time because I’m angry; I want to be alone because every moment I am with someone, there is an expectation of my attention, money, time, effort, knowledge, and validation.”
21.
“That we always handle women with kid gloves. If we talked to them the way they speak to us, we would probably end up in court.”
22.
“The hypocrisy. If I sit down to play a game for two hours, I’m a useless couch potato who never does anything. If she’s mindlessly browsing Instagram or TikTok until her phone’s battery gives out, that’s A-Ok!”
“I’ve seen my friend and his girlfriend have this dynamic. I think it’s because the girl thinks she’s ‘scrolling TikTok with her boyfriend’ because every five minutes she will show him something funny (when it’s not funny and it’s just some stupid fucking TikTok). Whereas a dude playing videogames is pretty much a solo endeavor (or with his friends and not his gf).
So I sorta get why women feel this way, but at the same time, short-form video content is absolute drivel and I cringe seeing people scrolling on it when hanging out with other people.”
24.
“I love you so goddamn much, with every fiber of my being. But I wish you could make a decision on your own, without five other people chiming in to tell you what to do. It’s so codependent that I feel like they get off on controlling you. You’re an adult. Make a decision.”
25.
“When you call men trash, useless, pigs, etc, the only ones that hear it are the ones that are trying to do better by everyone. The trashy men do not care because what they are doing works for them.”
26.
“Think just for a moment if these roles were reversed how would you feel if I did that to you.”
“I feel like this applies to 90% of statements women make about men. If we said the same thing in reverse, it’s instantly very misogynistic.”
27.
“Please stop asking if I love you every five minutes. My answer hasn’t changed; trust me.”
Similarly…”I wasn’t mad the first 5 times you asked me if I was mad, but now I am.”
28.
“A phone call lasting more than 15 minutes is straight up torture most of the time.”
“We don’t enjoy countless calls just to talk about nothing. We value our time. I know you miss us, but we have things to do.”
29.
“The beef you have with your coworker is because you just can’t stand each other. Deal with it.”
“Your workplace would be less toxic if you and the other ladies would stop being gossipy jerks to each other.”
30.
“Please develop some hobbies and find something you’re truly passionate about. Don’t make me the center of your world — just as my life doesn’t revolve around you, yours shouldn’t revolve around me.”
31.
“Anything you try to solve/put on my plate/seriously discuss/or want to show me as I’m walking in the house returning from work will annoy me. Just give me 15 minutes and I can then be present.”
“The 15-minute driveway decompress is an important transition period.”
“BTW, I need more like 30 minutes, but no matter how many times I ask my wife to give me some decompression time, I walk in with hands loaded to a barrage of questions, stories, and other demands for my time instantly. I wish my situation was isolated, but legions of men have told me their spouse does the same.”
32.
“Most of us don’t want to deal with the whole courtship, weddings, ceremonial entourage, and making things look ‘magical.’ It doesn’t mean we don’t care about you, but it’s work. Most of us go with it to avoid drama and problems.”
“Many men do these things so that you don’t start complaining. If love is what you want, many men could love you. But you don’t only want love; you also want the theater and emotional choreography of love. The show, the picture, the gesture, the thrill, etc. Anything short of *full* compliance with everything then means we’re emotionally undeveloped, unloving, selfish, etc.”
33.
And finally…”I want to be loved for who I am, not for what I can provide.”
“This isn’t meant as an indictment of women; it’s more just against the social narrative where a man’s love is measured by his labor, and his value in the relationship is derived from that socially.
I know plenty of women who genuinely love their partners (and I’ve only ever been with women who have genuinely loved me) but who also unwittingly feed into the energy of ‘I told my baby I wanted a greenhouse and so he’s out in the yard this weekend building me a greenhouse I;m so lucky to have him.’ Of course, we want our partners to be happy, but in a lot of ways, it also feels like our value is in our labor, and a lot of men internalize that. It’s why the male love language is usually acts of service—because that’s what we’ve learned that our currency is.
I’m definitely not blaming women, but I do sort of think it’d be nice to be able to melt into being loved (and respected) without the internalized pressure to perform for it, probably in the same way that women feel about maintaining their physical appearance.”
What do you feel like you can’t tell the women in your life? Let us know in the comments or via this anonymous form.
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
